Being a parent is like being a superhero. You need to be tough, strong, and resilient — and develop a knack for knowing when danger is lurking all around you.
Most days, it's the most rewarding job on the planet. But every now and again, something is done or said that makes you question why you went down this road in the first place. With that in mind, have a look at these parenting tweets that are simply too funny to not share with the world.
"5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend." - Twitter @MumInBits
Most parents I know are lucky if they get to sleep in until 6:30 AM. To go even one day without being woken up by a child's prodding or an alarm clock feels like a beautiful dream.
Do you know how people say that they find the sound of rain hitting a window to be soothing? Well, this is the total antithesis of that — and why does it only happen after the floor has already been cleaned?
Phew! That could've been a real social faux pas. On the best of days, I'm rotating between "work pajamas" and "sleep pajamas." I don't always get it right, but I certainly try to do my best.
"Hi sorry I didn’t reply. My baby will only nap if I’m holding his entire butt in my hand and if my hand moves even a tiny bit from his butt he envisions his entire home planet exploding and loses his mind with sorrow." - Twitter @bessbell
Come on, kid! Every single time for the past 50 trips you've gotten chocolate. It's to the point where the 17-year-old kid working the cash register knows your order before you even walk through the door.
I mean, presuming that the monkey has been trained to drive, I fail to register how this could possibly be considered a negative? Driving is easily in my Top 3 most-hated daily obligations; I'd love nothing more than to ride around in a limo.
It's too bad that it doesn't work the other way around. If only parents had the power to whisper "The sun is down" and have their child immediately fall asleep on the spot. What a world that would be.
Well, there's the problem — your kid is just too damn popular. If I were you, I'd start widdling away at the friend group. Start with the most annoying ones in the bunch and go from there. Any more than five friends is really just redundant, anyway.
"I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions." - Twitter @pro_worrier_
Don't forget the odd kick to the groin, too. Oh boy, what fun that is! Newsflash, children: your dads could use the occasional hug and kiss, too. We're not made of stone, despite the physical abuse you subject us to.
I envy those moms and dads who have the ungodly ability to fall asleep anywhere. Trying to sleep in a toddler's bed, while they're currently occupying it, seems like the most horrific torture you could put an adult through.
Come on, little man. You've been on this earth for what, seven years? Do you really think you can bullshit a bullshitter when you haven't even lived long enough to understand the basic fundamentals? What an amateur.
This sounds exactly like the kind of sage parenting advice my father used to bestow upon us when we were kids. How he ever managed to survive in a house filled with five toddlers, I'll never understand.
"My 6-year-old asked me what's a ruin. I told him it's a thing that fell apart, mainly because it was old. Without missing a beat, he said, "oh, like you" & it's starting to suck that he inherited my wittiness." - Twitter @HomeWithPeanut
They say that money is the root of all evil and that sleep is for the dead. But what I wouldn't give to be an ultra-rich zombie for just an afternoon. I swear that's all I'd need.
One of the first things that children learn is how to manipulate their parents. You have to remain steadfast and resilient if you don't want to wind up being their butler for the next 30 years.
"My 3yo insisted on bringing a lunch box full of clean underwear while running all our errands today. This was not in any of the parenting books I read." - Twitter @TheREALMessyMom
It's actually scary how fast and adept kids are when it comes to their technology. Pretty soon, our society is going to have to revisit child labor laws, because the first 10-year-old CEO has probably already been born.
Because they use their little hands and squeeze the toothpaste tube from the middle! Then it gets every, except their mouth, and you're left trying to navigate what happened and clean up the mess before they inevitably do it all again.
Take it from me, MarioKart and Mario Party can be incredibly relaxing. Just having something to focus on, other than the kids, for 15 minutes or less helps to provide a great stress relief.
Do you remember when Muhammad Ali said "I've wrestled with an alligator, I tussled with a whale"? That was really just a metaphor for getting kids ready for school.
My go-to when I try to avert the young ones from feasting on my bounty is to tell them that it's packed with Brussel sprouts and anchovies. It's a bald-faced lie, but it works like a charm.
"Sometimes I feel bad about just saying “uh-huh” and nodding a lot instead of actually listening to my kid's painfully long story, but in my defense, that’s exactly what they do any time I start talking." - Twitter @thedad
